TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But yes, certain, let's have A further position exactly where American Guys can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: present Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is tender electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he ought to end applying it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting attention from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD may have convert-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with Trump Tower Damascus https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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